(Man) Welcome to the University of Ithaca. This is it, right here.
I'm gonna give you a good tour today.
Show you as much as you need to know.
This is the main area of the university.
You'll be getting used to this area.
This is sort of where you congregate.
Come in around me. Keep close.
I've had problems with stragglers before, OK?
They get lost in the back and hit by trucks, OK?
It's not pretty. This is the...
By the way, this is the Joseph H Nelson Memorial Library here, OK?
It was built, uh... It was built, uh, in the 1600s.
1600s? It says 1951.
(Sniggering)
That's the address. OK? Wise-ass.
That's the psychology department.
You're expected to volunteer for cutting-edge experimental testing.
Kind of cool.
When it's your turn, remember to wear loose clothes, no metal,
and be prepared to receive several heavy doses of electric current.
They're watching us right now.
Over there is the department of English.
Most of you speak English already so we can skip that.
- How long have you been here? - Eight years.
(All laughing)
You don't seem to know anything. This is the worst tour ever.
It's the worst school ever. Doesn't anything cool happen?
Yeah, cool stuff happens.
This university is the coolest place in the world.
That's because he's never been anywhere else.
(All laughing)
Go ahead, laugh all you want.
But the fact is, this is the setting for the greatest story ever told.
OK?
It's about this guy I knew, Josh Parker,
and his girlfriend, Tiffany.
It's one of the most fascinating journeys ever.
'Josh and Tiffany were always together,
'starting from when they were little.
'They did everything as a team.
'When Tiffany was 10, she had her tonsils taken out.
'Josh stayed in the hospital for three days.
'They were best friends.
'What started out as friendship...
'blossomed into some serious French kissing and lots of heavy petting.
'They spent so much time together that even their dogs started dating.
'They seemed destined to be together forever.
'But after high school, they faced the most challenging challenge ever -
'a long-distance relationship.
'See, while Josh was enrolled here at the wonderful University of Ithaca,
'Tiffany went off to veterinary school in Austin, Texas.
'But they made a pact, a promise to stay true to each other,
'to talk every day and maintain an exclusive relationship.'
That turned out to be more difficult than either of them ever imagined.
Tiffany! Hey, baby.
Oh, my God. You were amazing last night.
- I never ever came like that before. - Come on!
Seriously! I had to take two birth control pills today.
You wanna help me study again tonight?
Forget tonight. Come over now.
Let's blow this class off.
(Gasps )
(Ringing)
'Tiffany and Carla can't come to the phone but please leave a message.'
- (Beep ) - Hey, Tif, it's me...again.
Just wonderin' where you are. Still trying to get hold of you.
Everything's cool, though. I'll catch you later.
Call me back, OK? OK. Bye.
I just wanted to add something before I sent this video.
I haven't talked to you in a few days and...
I'm thinking you don't like me... I'm kidding.
Hey, guys.
But I am getting a little worried so gimme a call when you get a chance.
Barry says hi.
So gimme a call as soon as you can. I miss you.
- Call me, OK? Bye. - (Laughing)
- What's up, guys? - Not much. You?
I was just finishing my tape to Tif.
(Barry ) Mitch, what are you doing? Are you hungry? Huh?
- You gonna feed him? - No, I'm checking the temperature.
Mitch needs an evenly distributed 85 degrees to survive.
Can I drop a mouse in?
Mitch only eats once a week, on Saturdays.
Maybe we could cut a mouse in half,
and we could feed him half now and the other half on Saturday.
I don't think so. I thought you had class now?
What time is it? Oh, shit!
Do me a favour - when this is rewound, mail it for me?
- No problem. Leave it there. - Thanks, man.
- See you guys later. - Bye.
Can we please feed him now?
No. If you overfeed him he could die.
So? It'll be worth it.
- Josh, hey. - Beth, hey.
- What's goin' on? - Not much.
- Where have you been? - Nowhere.
Studying. I'm starting to question this college thing.
There's so much reading.
- Right. (Chuckles ) - Yeah.
- You going to EL's tonight? - Yeah.
(Josh) I gotta run, class has started.
- I'll see you tonight. - Yeah. Sorry.
So, you have a thing for that guy now, is that it?
- It's not your business, Jacob. - I can tell.
- I'm not having this conversation. - What conversation?
You need to stop this. We're not a couple.
We've never been a couple, and never will.
(Professor) This week I'd like you to think about
Plato's Dialogues of the middle years.
"The Republic", "Phaedo", "Symposium".
Now, this will all be on next week's mid-term,
so I suggest you read up on it.
Ah, Jacob, do you have anything to add?
Just a reminder.
The mid-term will cover all of the in-class lectures
as well as all of the assigned readings.
It will be entirely essay form, so bring legal pads.
I prefer yellow. It's easier on the eyes.
OK. OK? Yeah. Thank you, Jacob.
And...see you all next week for the mid-term.
- Josh. - Yes?
I saw you hitting on Beth. NOT a good idea.
- She's spoken for. - What?
She'll come back to me. They always do.
So... Mr Parker.
Do you intend to be ready for this exam?
- Yes, sir. - Well, you better be ready.
Because I was looking over the books last night
and you need a B on this test just to pass this class.
Actually, I double-checked that, Professor.
He needs a B+. We can't bend on this.
I got it.
- Just copy off someone. - I can't. It's all essays.
If I fail this class, my average is shot.
I might lose my financial aid or not be allowed back.
Well, you're fucked, then.
So come to my party, hook up with Beth, and enjoy your last week.
I'm not hooking up with anyone. I'm invested in this relationship.
Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Listen to yourself!
I would give my life...
for one evening of consensual sex with that girl.
I've gone this long without cheating.
You're already cheating!
Any time you pass up sex you cheat yourself.
The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs
and take advantage of young girls is shrinking daily.
I gotta make a call.
I'm telling you, you pass this up, it'll haunt you forever.
Your dick will never forgive you.
What do you think, man? Don't you want to experience something new?
(Squeaky voice ) It ain't easy being Josh's penis.
We've been here two months, and I feel like I'm in a coma.
- Stop it. - I wish I was your dick, EL.
If something doesn't happen soon, I'm gonna leave.
- Enough. - (Girl) 'Hello?'
Carla, it's Josh. Sorry to bother you, is Tiffany around?
Tiffany is not here.
She didn't sleep here last night...again.
And it would be great if for one hour you didn't call.
- Right. - If she wanted to talk to you
she'd call you.
Deal with it.
- You bitch! - Does she sound hot?
We've never gone this long without talking. Something's wrong.
She found someone else, like you should.
The clock is ticking. Before you know it you'll be 40 and paying for girls.
# She good-looking got a mojo cooking
# Yeah, wouldn't give me the time of day
# But if my occupation was stars and constellations
# We could get together in the Milky Way
# And everybody wanna know somebody
# Everyone wants to drop your name
# You need no reservation no special invitation
# No college education if you've got fortune and fame... #
Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo!
I should really warn you,
it's been known to affect your decision-making abilities
and lower your inhibitions.
Good. That's the plan.
No, that-that's... Yes, that is the plan.
- You bring cash? - Why?
- We've got chicks for sale. - What?
# Hey, now I'm snappy got my mojo... #
Trust me. I've been goin' to this school seven years
and I know the key to a well-rounded college education
is experimentation.
Let me show you.
This is an auction. Remember...
you are not buying the girl,
only her company, and sale does not constitute sexual relations.
(Groaning)
(EL) I know. Believe me, I've tried.
Without further ado, let's introduce our first...person.
- Laura! - (Applause )
Laura's from Long Island.
She likes the outdoors and loves seafood.
- OK, let's start the bidding at $5! - $3.50!
Good God, moneybags, she's not a Happy Meal.
(Laughter)
- $5. - OK, we've got five. Do I hear 10?
- 10 bucks. - (Auctioneer calling)
Who's got 15 bucks for a lovely evening with Laura?!
OK, we got 15. Who can beat 15? Going once, going twice...
Sold...to the captain.
(Applause)
There you are.
- Hey, what's going on? - Not much.
- You look great. - Thank you.
You're welcome.
Listen, Jacob's here, and he's a total psycho...
Can you go outbid him?
You know what, I didn't bring that much money.
You don't understand. He's obsessed.
See? That's fun, right?
OK, OK. Now, I want you two to kiss each other.
All right, has anyone seen Beth? There she is!
- (Cheering) - Say hi to the crowd, Beth.
Hi.
Can I hear a $5 opening bid?
- $5 right here! - Who can beat five?
- Seven. - $10.
- $10! Going once. Going twice. - $15!
- 20. - 25!
25. Who can beat 25? Going once.
- Going twice. - 26.
- 26, going once. - 30!
- OK, can anyone beat $26? - I just said 30!
There must be someone who can beat $26?
- Me, right here! 30! - Sold! To my man Josh for $26.
(Applause )
You heard me. I bid $30 loud and clear.
Your bid didn't count.
- Why? - Because you're a TA.
- So? - This auction is for students.
Goodbye.
# On and on until the early morning
# They're rockin' on and on until the early morning... #
(Beth giggles )
Thanks for doing that. I owe you one.
- You owe me more than one. - Do I?
Technically.
Well...
are you ready to collect?
I think so. Yeah.
We're touching.
It's a lot of fun. (Chuckles )
- We're having a good time. - (Chuckles )
(Romantic music)
Who's Tiffany Henderson?
Just some girl I used to date since I was, like, five.
But that's over now. She blew me off.
Oh, poor baby.
You must be very hurt.
Do you need some special attention?
Well, I am pretty upset.
Did that help?
That helped a lot.
I have an idea.
What do you say?
Uh, I don't think so.
Come on! It'll be fun.
- I've always wanted to try this. - No...
Yes.
I'm gonna interview you.
Fine.
OK.
- OK, Josh. - Yes.
What do you look for in a girl?
Um, well, let's see.
She should be smart and funny and...
That's good, too.
Do you feel better yet?
I feel a little bit better. Yeah. A little...
What else do you look for?
She should be attractive and...
nice and...
Topless. And topless.
And she should kiss me.
What else?
She shouldn't stop kissing me.
Why don't you keep doing that?
# Tiny salmon swimming in a stream
# Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream
# The mynah bird says
(Caws)
# The chimpanzee says
(Screeches)
# The friendly owl says
(Hoots)
# But the salmon can only say
(Blubbers)
# And it's sad #
(Hums cheerfully)
# Good morning, everyone.
# How are you and you and you #
What are you so happy about?
I don't know. Do I seem happy this morning?
Well, you're bouncing around here.
You do seem unusually light-hearted.
Maybe it's because I had the best time of my life last night.
Twice! And once this morning.
You and Beth?
- Oh, yeah. - Shut up. What happened?
No way! You're lying.
I'm not lying.
You can't make out with someone then pretend you had sex.
- That's really uncool. - I'm not pretending.
Forget it. I know you're lying. I guarantee it.
You wanna bet?
Great. I'm gonna bet on something you can't prove.
You videotaped it!
No, no, no, I didn't! Gimme that! Gimme that!
- No way! This is amazing! - I was kidding, I was kidding!
- Gimme the tape. - Huh? Come on.
- We're gonna see it sooner or later. - He's got a point.
Oh-ho! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Give it to me. No, give it to me.
- EL, no. - Josh, please? We need this.
OK, listen, seriously. You can't tell anyone you saw this.
Oh, yeah.
OK. OK!
Barry, hit the lights.
It's boner time!
'Hey, Tif. It's me coming to you live from Ithaca.'
I thought I asked you to mail this yesterday?
Yeah, you did. I mailed it today.
Fast-forward to the horny stuff.
Is this the shit you've been sending Tiffany?
Oh, my God.
# It's you... #
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God! No, no, no, no.
Oh, God!
W-wait a second.
Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.
Yes!
Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Hey, hey.
Did you make a copy?
If you made a copy, we could watch the copy.
(Rings )
Don't answer it!
(Answer machine ) 'Hey, it's Josh and Rubin. Leave a message.'
'Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany.
'Sorry we haven't spoken.
'Listen, my grandfather passed away.
'I've tried calling you a few times, but no one picked up.
'I didn't want to leave this message on your machine
'but by now you're probably a little worried so...
'Anyway, I'm at my parents' house helping my mom.
'She's really a wreck.
'If I don't speak with you, I'll call Monday.
'I'll be OK. I just need some time.
'Bye. I love you.'
(Dialling tone )
That's not fair.
How come she gets to see the tape and we don't?
She gets back there Monday. That leaves three days to get there.
Get where? Austin?
- That's like 10,000 miles from here. - 1,800.
You wanna drive 1,800 miles in three days? Just fly.
Do you have money for a ticket? I don't.
- All right, so we're driving. - You're coming?
What else am I gonna do, stay here and learn?
Road trip.
(Behind door) Just a minute. Hold on.
He's probably jackin' off.
What do you guys want?
Kyle, this is an emergency.
Wait. Let me at least go back and call my dad.
Call your dad? Would you listen to yourself?
You're 19 years old, and you're a fucking sissy.
All you ever do is sit in a library and play Myst.
It's pathetic.
He's trying to say that this is your chance to do something.
Be a risk-taker. Come with us.
You're just saying that because you want my car.
No! No, we've always liked you.
Or just give us the car. That would make him a risk-taker.
Shut up, all right? He's coming with us.
Come on, Kyle. It'll be fun!
Aren't you even curious where we're going?
No.
OK, we're going to the University of Austin. Sure you won't come?
I don't like Massachusetts.
Austin's in Texas. You're thinking of Boston.
You've never left this town, have you?
No, not really.
That could turn into a debilitating phobia.
OK.
- Can I feed Mitch? - Yes, actually you can.
There's a brown box of mice by his cage.
Give him one tomorrow. Just one.
- I'll feed him a mouse tomorrow. - OK.
You can count on me. OK? I'm reliable. OK?
You guys do good. Have a good trip, safe trip.
Buckle up your seat belt. I'm gonna feed the snake!
I'll feed the snake, I'll watch the snake.
(Barry ) 'So off they went.'
They had 1,800 miles to go, and only three days to do it.
It was a killer journey and one that changed them all forever.
The end.
- So we're gonna go look over here. - Whoa. That's it? This story sucks.
- What happened with the tape? - Right. The tape.
Well, um...
Well... Like I said, they were on a race against time.
# The smoke stack spitting black soot into the sooty sky
# The load on the road brings a tear to the Indian's eye... #
Since we didn't get to see the tape,
- can you at least describe it? - No.
# The elephant won't forget what it's like inside his cage
# The ringmaster's Telecaster sings on an empty stage... #
Admit that Beth is amazing.
I admit it, she's amazing. She's perfect.
I don't know why you feel so guilty. Technically you haven't cheated.
What are you talking about?
There are these rules that guys have,
an understanding as to what constitutes cheating.
Take your situation, for example.
It's not cheating.
Not when you're in a different area code - not to mention state!
That makes no sense.
Don't look at me, Kyle. I don't make the rules.
This is legit. I've read an article.
There's a whole bunch of them, like loopholes.
Say you were sleeping with two girls at the same time,
it's not cheating because they cancel each other out.
- Ahh. - Exactly!
Or if you're too wasted to remember...
It is not cheating.
Because if you can't really remember it,
it never really took place.
# Uh-huh
# Whoo-oo... #
OK, I've got one. Ready?
It's OK if you spread peanut butter on your testicles
and let your dog lick it off.
- Because it's your dog! - Jesus Christ!
- You know, because it's your dog! - We got it.
# Whoo-oo, uh-huh
# Goddam right, it's a beautiful day
# Uh-huh, goddam right #
Somebody's gonna die tomorrow.
That's right. One of you is marked for death.
And first thing tomorrow morning,
a chosen one will experience nature's wrath
in all its fury.
(Hums gloomy religious chant)
Who are you?
I'm Beth.
Are you here for the feeding?
Excuse me?
You're early. It's not till tomorrow.
You should come back.
It's gonna be a bloodbath.
I think I'll pass.
Have you seen Josh?
He went to visit his girlfriend.
Tiffany?
I thought they broke up.
I mean this girl who's a friend of his. You know what I mean.
Where did he go?
Austin?
Austin, Massachusetts?
You mean Boston, Massachusetts?
Yeah, that's what I said. Boston.
The University of Boston in Massachusetts.
He is such an asshole.
I can't believe he just lied to my face like that.
I actually thought he liked me. How could he do that?
- She was topless? - Girls don't stand around naked.
Yeah, they do. OK? This is my story. You wanna hear it or not?
- It just doesn't make any... - Shh. Please, no interruptions, OK?
So this other girl walks up, totally hot. Naked! Really naked!
I know guys can be jerks.
I guess I just thought Josh was different. I liked him.
Sweetie, listen to me. They're all the same.
All men are perverted pigs.
All they care about... really, all they THINK about is sex.
- You're so right. I feel so used. - Face it, we're all used.
In most men's eyes, we're just flesh.
- It's so sick! - It IS sick. Think about it.
If they had it their way...
God, I don't even want to know what would happen
if they had it their way!
(Beth) What am I supposed to do now that he's gone?
- Go to Boston and bust his ass. - Right.
Confront him and his little girlfriend.
Face to face. You totally should!
Show her what an asshole Josh is, right?
Hmm...
# I'm freakin' you, baby
# Drivin' you crazy
# I'm freakin' you, baby
# Drivin' you crazy
# I'm freakin' you, baby... #
Ooh! These, too.
# I'm freakin' you, baby
# Drivin' you crazy... #
Kyle, come here for a second.
We're a little short on cash right now,
so we need to put this on your credit card.
We'll give you the cash when we get back, I promise.
I can't. It's my dad's. It's for emergencies only.
Hello! This IS an emergency.
We need this stuff. You want us to sleep in the dirt?
# I'm freakin' you, baby drivin' you crazy
# When I get to your place
# I wanna turn up the highs and turn up the bass... #
(Josh) We're in no-man's-land.
We've been on this road for over an hour.
This is gonna save us five hours, minimum. Thank me later.
We should go back to the interstate.
- We're not goin' back. - Yeah, have some faith.
It's a challenge. That's why it's a short cut.
If it was easy, it would just be the way.
(Josh) Damn it! Fuck!
I give us 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.
If we turn around we'll lose five hours backtracking.
Turn around? Why? Because of this? We could make it.
Make it? You mean jump it?
No. Absolutely not. No way. We're going back.
It can be done. This incline is 30 degrees roughly, right?
The factory weight of the car is 1,600lbs.
Add us, plus cargo...
- No, no. - If we hit this at 50mph,
our trajectory will clear 10 feet, easy.
No way. Absolutely not.
We'll go 60 just to be certain.
(Kyle ) We're goin' back. It's impossible.
You sure?
With physics I'm always sure.
I'm driving.
I don't think you guys heard me.
This is my car and we're not gonna jump any rivers.
Kyle, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope could jump this in a golf cart.
Look, I can spit across this gap.
(Hawks )
Yeah.
Well...
better make it 75.
- OK. Let's do it. - Trust me, Kyle, it's science.
No, you guys. No. EL, get out of my car.
Kyle, in the car. Come on.
(Revving)
We're OK.
You know we need to hit 60?
- I'm trying. This car sucks. - Stop!
(All yelling)
(EL) Thank you! Yes!
What did I tell you?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
(Sniffs )
My father is gonna kill me when he finds out about this.
I only said we'd make it across.
I never said the wheels would stay on.
What the hell are we gonna do now?!
I'm totally screwed!
I don't have time... to be walking...through the woods!
Josh, we'll call a tow truck, have the axles fixed.
We'll lose half a day at most. It's just the wheels.
(Beth) The minute I think I feel something for someone,
they just turn around and screw me over.
Just something about Josh, he's just different.
I feel like we had a connection.
I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a guy.
You shouldn't! Honey, the last time I trusted a man was back in 1985
and he took off with my sister and my van.
It was a regular-size van. Before that mini-van crap.
So there's no hope, huh?
Oh, there's hope. But it comes with batteries.
(Buzzing)
You can keep that.
(Kyle ) God. Crap.
(EL) Listen, guys, we're gonna have to be more careful.
We almost died in that explosion.
- I wish I had died. - I'm serious. I can't die young.
Something tells me the people of Earth are gonna need me.
I must live.
Yeah, right. We all must live.
Before we do that, we must get back on the road.
(Josh) We shouldn't be going to sleep right now!
(Phone )
'Let's just lay an indication here and there.'
(Phone )
(TV) 'And a whole bunch of colour...'
- (Sighs ) - (Ringing)
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, do you need to get that?
Do you need something?
Yeah. This is sort of an unusual question.
But do you have any marijuana I might buy?
Our car exploded last night and I'm practically all out.
Am I a drug dealer?
No, I am not. Thank you for asking, though.
No? OK, that's OK. Thanks.
Is there anything else I can help with?
Perhaps you'd like an 11-year-old prostitute. We can do that.
Or maybe we can off someone for you. Huh?
I've got it. Why don't we start small?
Would you like a fresh towel?
You could roll that up and smoke it.
Dick.
By the way, Cheech,
that credit card you guys gave me was maxed out,
so don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet.
Um, Mr Earl Edwards?
I'm sorry, sir. This card's over its limit.
That's not true. Put it through your little machine again.
I tried three times, sir. If you have another card, I'd be happy to...
Don't give me any attitude.
You go fix that little toy back there,
and charge this friggin' card.
We've been coming here for 20 years.
- We've only been open eight years. - Do it now.
(EL) Relax, it's not a big deal.
(Rubin ) You don't understand, when Josh finds out he'll freak.
You can't rent a car without a credit card. You just can't.
So, what are we gonna do?
Tell you what. Stay here.
Take him out for breakfast or something.
I'll go take care of this.
Earl, Cookie, we have a situation. Now, brace yourselves.
The police have found Kyle's car abandoned in Bedford, Pennsylvania.
It's been blown to bits.
We checked with the university - he's missing.
Mother of God.
- (Woman ) Good morning. - Hello.
Hi. How can I help you?
Yeah, hi. I was sent over here to check out bus 111,
and I'm afraid I have some bad news.
You seem to be having problems with the...rotator splint.
Engines have rotator splints?
Yeah.
She runs good now, but not for long.
I can have it back to you as good as new in a week.
Let's see. Well, Jared's still in Aliquippa,
- I take it he called you from there? - Yeah.
Five days. Well, I think we can work that out.
Would you please not feed my dog?
I didn't.
You can't feed Seeing Eye dogs treats.
I'd appreciate it if you left him alone.
Don't roll your eyes at me.
French toast.
Bacon. Good for you.
- And scrambled eggs. - Thank you.
Excuse me, but this has powdered sugar on it, and I ordered no sugar.
I can't have too much sugar in the morning.
Oh, I'm sorry, you're absolutely right.
Tell you what, let me take this back and bring you out a new piece.
Is everybody good? OK, great.
Do you know where my possessions are, because I can't...
- Wait, no. They were in the car. - That's...that's hilarious.
All right, let me warm that up for you.
- There you go. - Thanks.
(Farts )
Excuse me. And the French toast will be out in just a minute.
- OK, thank you. - OK, great.
French toast, no sugar.
- All right? Sorry about that. - No problem.
That's a nice guy.
It's good.
(Tyres squeal)
OK!
I don't wanna know how you got this.
- I stole it from a blind chick. - I don't wanna know.
What? I'm gonna give it back.
Probably.
# Going to work, I hate it
# Shakin' that stick that drives people crazy
# Doin' that stuff that you do
# Quit messin' me up with your voodoo
# You drive me crazy with that
# Boogie-oogie-oogie-oogie-oogie
# You drive me crazy with that boogie
# Boogie, boogie
# Your lips are hot and spicy
# Servin' up cooked beans and rice
# I feel like she's a hoppin' and stompin'
# Makin' love to the gators in the swamp... #
Can we please stop soon? I need to use the bathroom.
Actually, I don't have to go yet, so we'll stop in a couple of hours.
OK.
I'm kidding, Kyle. We'll stop.
Jeez, you have to stand up for yourself. Be more assertive.
OK.
What's your deal? Why are you so worried?
I don't know. I guess it's my dad.
He's, like...strict.
He really is gonna kill me when he finds out about that car.
So you screwed up. Big deal. People make mistakes.
He'll get over it. Besides, that car sucked anyways.
I really do need to go to the bathroom.
- (EL) We're makin' a pit stop. - (Rubin ) Again?!
(Squeaks )
You're about to experience first-hand...